I am not going to sugar-coat it. Quite frankly, this is a difficult post for me to write so I am going to share it in the utmost raw and vulnerable way that I desire to. This is heavy, deep, and may be triggering to some.
2018, you are hard to put into words.
2018, you broke me—like completely shattered me—from all the anxiety, pressure, and struggles that weighed me down. I lost direction in my life entirely and something has never left me so empty and robbed of joy than that. There are all these invisible deadlines for our careers, love, and life. We think that we have to have it all figured out once we turn 20 and we become so obsessed with being perfect and any mistake we make is an embarrassment–just like I was incredibly embarrassed to announce my gap year because I felt like “oh my God this is going to seem like I’m weak and doubting everything I’ve planned for my life. How freaking embarrassing it is to seem like I FAILED.”
Well guess what, I don’t give a **** what anyone thinks anymore or what society tells me about how my life should look. I’m done feeling behind on life because guess what? I’M NOT. Where I am right now, is EXACTLY where I need to be. Your life is not on anyone else’s schedule–it’s YOUR timeline, so don’t beat yourself up for where you are now because you are right where you need to be. It may be painful, uncomfortable, dark, and scary but it’s making you GROW.
Typically at the end of the year, I like to take some time to reflect back on all I experienced, learned, and achieved, but I can’t do that right now. I hope that one day I can look back positively, but as of right now, I’m just ready to put 2018 behind me. Yet, I will say one thing that I have learned, is to let myself feel what I am feeling. And you know what else I have learned? that is hard as hell. We tend to avoid feeling _____, so we numb ourselves with ______ (you fill in those blanks).
You see the things that broke me, took a pieces of me and I’m not quite sure how to get them back. I’ve looked for them in places I found comfort, but in the end, those places took more of me than it gave back.
That leaves me hopeful for the new year—that maybe just maybe I’ll find some of those missing pieces—missing pieces of MYSELF.
I want this to be the year of finding courage–to let myself explore my dreams and wonders–running to complete abandon in the direction of courage that I have oh so longed for. Go after it on the mountain. Go after it in the valley. Go after it in the silence between the words in your late night prayers. Go after it everywhere. For wherever you pursue it, God will be there, Ever-loving, Ever-guiding. He will bring you out of that hiding, dispelling every fear, giving courage, giving strength.
Let this be the year.